A great book written by John Gray, describing the different ways men & woman thinks, their psychology. There are many lessons someone can take out from this book and learn to deal with opposite gender. This is my first of it’s kind book but found it worth reading.
Here are few points that I found interesting:
1. When men and women are able to respect and accept their differences then love has a chance to blossom.
2. She wants empathy, but he thinks she wants solutions. Just learn to listen. A man tries to change a woman’s feelings when she is upset by becoming Mr. Fix-It and offering solutions to her problems that invalidate her feelings.
3. She thinks she’s nurturing him, while he feels he’s being controlled. Instead, he wants her acceptance. A woman tries to change a man’s behavior when he makes mistakes by becoming the home improvement committee and offering unsolicited advice or criticism.
4. He feels better by solving problems while she feels better by talking about problems.
5. When a Martian(men) gets upset he never talks about what is bothering him. Instead he becomes very quiet and goes to his private cave to think about his problem, mulling it over to find a solution. If he can’t find a solution then he does something to forget his problems, like reading the news or playing a game or doing things even more challenging like racing, competing, etc.
6. When a Venusian(women) becomes upset, she seeks out someone she trusts and then talks in great detail about the problems of her day.
7. Women expect men to open up and talk about all their problems the way Venusian do.
8. A woman under stress is not immediately concerned with finding solutions to her problems but rather seeks relief by expressing herself and being understood.
9. She continues to expand talking about problems, worries, disappointments, and frustrations. These topics need not be in any order and tend to be logically unrelated.
10. Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed. Women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished.
11. Not to be needed is a slow death for a man.
12. Quite often, when one partner makes a positive change the other will also change.
13. When a man is silent it is easy for a woman to imagine the worst.
14. Men need to find ways to show they care while women need to find ways to show they trust.
15. Men are like rubber bands, getting close, pulling away, and then getting close again. When a man loves a woman, periodically he needs to pull away before he can get closer.
16. She pulls back when she doesn’t trust him to understand her feelings.
17. She even feels that unless he talks, he doesn’t love her.
18. A woman is like a wave. A woman’s self-esteem rises and falls like a wave. When she hits bottom it is a time for emotional housecleaning.
19. A woman’s ability to give and receive love in her relationships is generally a reflection of how she is feeling about herself
20. To expect her loving nature to be constant is like expecting the weather never to change and the sun to shine all the time
21. In relationships, men pull back and then get close, while women rise and fall in their ability to love themselves and others.
22. Recurrence of her neediness and insecurity is natural, inevitable, and temporary.
23. When negative feelings are suppressed positive feelings become suppressed as well, and love dies.
24. Men and women generally are unaware that they have different emotional needs. Men typically give in relationships what men want, while women give what women want. Each mistakenly assumes that the other has the same needs and desires. As a result they both end up dissatisfied and resentful.
25. Six primary love needs of women:
a) Caring: Showing interest in woman's feeling, concern for her well-being, feel her special
b) Understanding: Listen with empathy without judgment, listen & understand c) Respect: Respond in a way that acknowledges & prioritizes her rights, wishes & needs. Giving flowers & remembering anniversaries
d) Devotion: Giving priority to woman's needs & commit to support & fulfill her. Love in a way that she is more important than - work, study, recreation
e) Validation: Not objecting to or argue with woman's feelings and wants but instead accepts it.
f) Reassurance: Repeatedly shows above things to care, understand, devotion, respect..
26. To fulfill above points, do things like:
a) Listen, ask interested or concerned questions.
b) Respect her feelings
c) Work is secondary, honor her as special
d) Validate her feelings when she is upset and support her
e) Reassure her after listening her
27. Basic Guide: Never Argue. Instead discuss the pros and cons of something.
28. Quite commonly when a man feels challenged, his attention becomes focused on being right and he forgets to be loving as well. Automatically his ability to communicate in a caring, respectful, and reassuring tone decreases.
29. Don't explain her why she shouldn't be upset about 'XYZ' thing, rather let her know that I cared and was sorry. First listen her, genuinely try to understand, and say I’m sorry that I upset you when I said .. Validate her that she has right to be upset.
30. When a woman keeps score, no matter how big or small a gift of love is, it scores one point; each gift has equal value. Its size doesn’t matter; it gets a point. A man, however, thinks he scores one point for one small gift and thirty points for a big gift.
31. Women have a love tank similar to the gas tank on a car. It needs to be filled over and over again. Doing many little things (and scoring many points) is the secret for filling a woman’s love tank
32. understanding that she needs to receive for a while before she can give again. With this foresight he can give without expecting much in return until she recovers from her flu
33. Whether you are privately writing down your thoughts and feelings on your computer or sharing them in therapy, in your relationships, or in a support group, you are taking an important step for yourself.
34. Men are much more willing to say yes if they have the freedom to say no.
35. When you ask a man for support and you do not reject him for saying no, he will remember that, and next time he will be much more willing to give.
36. A relationship is healthy when both partners have permission to ask for what they want and need, and they both have permission to say no if they choose.
37. When we are upset, about 90 percent of the upset is related to our past and has nothing to do with what we think is upsetting us. Generally only about 10 percent of our upset is appropriate to the present experience
38. Never tell your partner, when it appears as though their “stuff” is coming up, that they are overreacting. That just hurts them more. If you poked someone right in the middle of a wound you wouldn’t tell them they were overreacting.
39. If your partner has upset you in some way, write them a Love Letter. It feels great when your partner takes responsibility for the 90 percent of their hurt that comes from the past
40. When one partner was finally willing to make a change for the better, the other would become suddenly indifferent and unappreciative.
These great lessons are from the book and hope we all can relate to most of them.. let’s give them a try see if our relationship improves 🙂